Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Dear Rachel - Gold Digger's Blues

Dear Rachel,

My horoscope said that financial wealth is coming my way. It has told me a message like that every week for the past few weeks, and my rich father-in-law’s health keeps getting worse and worse. He has always treated me like crap because I do not live up to my husband’s perfect first wife, who died giving birth to my stepson, who is my husband’s only child. My father-in-law’s will states that my husband will get everything. I don’t want to speak ill of the soon-to-be dead but enough is enough -- is there a golden ticket in my future, or what?

With fingers (and toes!) crossed,
Gold Digging Daughter-in-Law in Detroit

Dear Detroit,
Uhm... wow. I appreciate your honesty, that's kind of refreshing.

Your payday is coming, but it's not because of the death of your father-in-law. Your payday will arrive when you let go of the past, set yourself free from the bonds of material gain and status symbols. You've locked yourself in a prison of contempt and hold yourself inside with a wax key shaped like your husband's first wife. For whatever reason you feel you cannot compete with the dead, so you listen for echoes of this sentiment from others to reinforce the weight of your bondage. Set yourself free, woman! You are living with a ghost and only you can release the chains that bind.

Yes, your husband's first wife was a lovely woman, and you have a darling step-son to prove it. But you're his wife now, he chose you because of your beautiful spirit and loving heart. It's your own insecurity that's getting the best of you, so set that shit on fire and let your soul rise up like a mighty phoenix from the flames. You will be rewarded with wealth beyond your wildest imaginings, but first you have to let go of the girlish notion that all riches come in the form of money.

Besides, think of how much fun it will be to spend that inheritance utterly free of all the guilt and shame associated with being a shallow, self-serving bitch. Money might buy temporary happiness but it won't hold you while you cry yourself to sleep at night.