Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Dear Rachel - Backdoor Entry and No Parking Zones

Dear Rachel,

The entire time my husband and I were dating, we were compatible in every way. We follow the same religion. We have the same taste in foods. We both want to start a family. We were even compatible sexually. But then we said “I do” and suddenly he wants to do so much more in the bedroom.

When he first suggested it, I immediately felt repulsed. He said he is okay with my “exit only do not enter” policy regarding backdoor sex, but he is OBSESSED with it! He is always talking about how perfect my bottom is, and how he would love to explore it - but then quickly reminds me that he respects my decision of not wanting to do that.

But then in bed he is all touchy feely...back there. He even asks me if I’d like some wine to help me “open up” so we can “explore new areas in the bedroom”. I’m no fool, Rachel! The only area he wants to open up and explore is my backdoor!

Can your cards help me? What can I tell this man to make him realize that NO MEANS NO? Please help me before his devious desires lead to the death of our marriage. I can’t go on like this!

No Rear Entry in Newport, Rhode Island

Dear Newport,
I bet you could put an end to this stalemate by suggesting turn-about is fair play. He might think twice about the avenues of kink he dares to explore, or you could find yourself in thrilling new territory. Either way, be careful what you wish for and even more careful with how you negotiate this sensitive topic. That's just my two cents, let's see what the cards have to say!

Okay, let's be honest. This isn't all about the sex, or the potential discomfort of it, because you're a little bit curious about toying with taboo just as much as your husband. Looks to me like you worry that you're disappointing to your husband in some fashion, that you're falling short in satisfying him, that you somehow aren't enough for your man. This fear and worry of yours is hinging on this one thing in the bedroom, but I'm willing to bet if you dug a little deeper you've been worrying about this in other areas of your marriage as well.

Your husband loves you, he trusts you, and he wants to share an intimacy with you that he's not felt safe enough to explore with other women. That's a beautiful thing! But what I see here is that you worry if you give up control in this one area your husband will take that as a green light to “coerce” you into other things that are outside your comfort zone. What you call coercion your husband calls communication. Get on the same page. What other areas of your marriage are strained, do you feel a lack of connection with your husband? What can your husband do to make you feel safe and secure in all areas of your marriage? These might the things that need to be discussed before you consider giving him the secret knock to your backdoor.