Dear
Rachel,
For as long as I can remember, my parents have pulled me into my sister’s drama. When we were younger, it was limited to things like “help your sister do this project for school so she won’t fail her class / semester / grade” and then as we got older it was more serious situations such as “can your sister crash on your couch for a week to hide out from her psychotic boyfriend” and “please be a witness in court to keep your sister out of jail”.
For as long as I can remember, my parents have pulled me into my sister’s drama. When we were younger, it was limited to things like “help your sister do this project for school so she won’t fail her class / semester / grade” and then as we got older it was more serious situations such as “can your sister crash on your couch for a week to hide out from her psychotic boyfriend” and “please be a witness in court to keep your sister out of jail”.
Finally
almost 18 months ago I had enough. I cut off all contact from my
family, and I have never been happier. My doctor says I have never
been in better physical health. My relationship with my husband and
our children - who all support my decision and stand by me in it, has
never been better.
The
problem is a person who is a family friend. She is constantly working
information (i.e. gossip) about my parents and sister in
conversation, and asking if I am sure there is no hope for
reconciliation. The last time I told her sure, if they can give me
back 30+ years of my life that did not revolve around my high
maintenance sister, I would consider it.
So
tell me Rachel, what do your cards say? Should I keep dodging
questions my “friend” asks? Or should I just be blunt? I am not
trying to hurt anyone’s feelings, but involving myself with my
parents and sister is not good for my emotional health. I do not hate
them at all. In fact, I still love them dearly. I am just choosing
to, for the first time ever, live my own life without their negative
influences trying to control every aspect of it.
Thanks
for all your help!
Leave
Me Alone in Lexington, KY
Dear
Lexington,
Wow!
What a conundrum! The way I see it, you have an excellent
opportunity to demonstrate some much-needed grace and dignity to your
family, simply by standing firm in your convictions to maintain a
healthy distance. That's just my two cents, let's see what the cards
have to say on the matter of dealing with your gossipy girlfriend.
Be
blunt! Faithful are the wounds of a friend, after all. My advice to
you, Lexington, is to pray and ask for the tactful and loving words
that will help your friend understand that you're so much healthier
without direct contact from your family. Her round-about attempts at
drawing you into the fold are good-natured and positive in intent,
keep this in mind when speaking to her, but remember to be firm and
focused on your ultimate message of “this topic is off-limits.”
Even
though your friend is having a hard time seeing the situation from
your perspective, take a moment to see the situation through her
eyes. Her family experience is very different from your own, and
because of this, she simply can't imagine having emotional distance
in the family. The thought pains her, so she assumes you are quietly
suffering, which is why she continues to make attempts at third-party
reconciliation. Like I said, she means well and her intentions are
pure. Now you simply need to convince her that you are better than
great, and give a clear warning if she brings up the topic again you
won't be so tactful when telling her where she can stick her nose.
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